Feeling Lost

It has been an interesting last few weeks.

It seems the more I try to make sense of my life, the more muddled it gets.

The harder I try to be a good father and husband the worse I feel I do at it.

I don't know what the solution is.

I do know that I have faith that my Savior will help me as I work less to be in control and more to follow his example.

In a world that pushes, calls, and works to encourage humankind to put themselves first- to focus on the wants and the selfish desires we all posses as part of mortality- I can only continue to do my best.

Keep the Faith...

A Test of Faith

27 days.

Long, stressful days that pushed my mental and emotional limits to their ends. Beyond actually.

It has now been almost three weeks since all of that ended.

So... why do I still find myself having horrible mood swings? One little things sets me off. I don't turn violent. Just angry and easily annoyed. My poor children take the brunt with being yelled at for breathing and such. I know I shouldn't be doing it, but I can't seem to stop it.

Then, as quickly as it comes it leaves.

I wasn't like this before everything happened. At least not to this extent.

I know that I can do better.

I am trying to do better.

I hope this is simply a test of my faith.

And... if it is...

I hope I can pass.

Humility and Kindness

With the events that have been taking place in my life over the past few weeks, I have come to realize that I have a lot to learn about humility and kindness. These two distinct, yet almost inseparable traits are found where ever there is giving and sharing and love.

Today, my wife was able to take the sacrament for the first time in a month. She has been so ill that she hasn't made it to church, and then ending up at UVRMC in Provo in the ICU made it impossible to go to church as well. Today, Brother and Sister Kendall came around and offered us the sacrament. What a great experience it was. I was also able to help bless and pass. My wife wept as we pressed the bread to her lips and poured a little water into her mouth. She wept with joy at having taken the sacrament again.It was very touching.

Sister Kendall then asked to share a message. She shared three thoughts. One was about Faith, one was Proverbs 3:5-6, and the last one was about praying for the wrong things. All three were very appropriate for where we are right now. I know that as I learn to be accepting of this situation, learn to be accepting of others kindness, and learn to show humility as I allow others to serve me, I know that I will grow ever closer to my Savior, and that things will continue to improve.

Keep the Faith...

Challenges and Rewards

I have been really pondering on this a lot lately. It is really easy to question our Heavenly Father's reasons for things that happen to us. I have to admit that I have let this attitude really eat away at me for the past few days. I have had a hard time this week feeling like a good person, a person of worth. I know that my wife and children love me (thank goodness) and I know that I have good friends around me (for which I am very thankful), but I still find myself sinking further and further into darkness and depression.

I over heard my students talking about how you could die if you accidentally took too many pills. I chastised them for talking about such things. Inside it brought up a lot or sorrow and pain. You see, I lost a really good friend several years ago to that very thing. He didn't think there was any other way out. He didn't think that anyone cared. Then he was gone. Those feelings have been eating at me too. He tried to call me the night he took his own life, and I wasn't home. I didn't see the caller ID until the next day. Could I have made a difference in the choice that he made? Would he still he around to make me laugh today and see my kids if I had been more aware! I know it isn't my fault, and I know that things happen for a reason, even if we don't know what it is right now.

This week I have been questioning my talents and abilities as a teacher. It seems that I have the same problems year after year. Now, using simple deduction, I am the only constant year after year. So hence, I am led to believe that I am the cause of my own trials and frustrations. Knowing this is true for all people, I shouldn't feel all that bad, after all, if EVERYONE brings it on themselves, then I am like everyone else. But that explanation isn't going to cut it this time. I could easily list my weaknesses here (but won't out of embarrassment for the length would be) and discuss each one. However, that wouldn't prove helpful either. So, let's move to the Rewards part of this post.

So, as I have pondered, stewed, fumed, berated myself, and finally have given up and lost hope, I realized that I am looking at this all wrong. As I thought about all the problems I am currently having, I have learned that I use the word "I" a lot! My wife did an amazing FHE on looking for the good in others. I think it was for me. Each night since, we have taken a few minutes after scriptures and discussed and written down all the good things we have seen other family members do. I need to have one of those notes stapled to my forehead.

It seems that when I step in my job location, all that I know, feel, love, and understand gets turned on its head. It confuses and frustrates me as to why I can't keep things in perspective. Why do I care if the kids talk a little? Why should it matter if the kids don't bring their homework or sit and do nothing? Or...
I am so confused as to why I can't let go and let God. Will I feel like a better teacher? Will I feel like more of a failure? Why? What are the answers?

My reward is this: I know that God loves me. I am his son and he won't give me more than I can handle. Does that make everything all better right now?  Unfortunately no. Does it make me feel better at this moment? A little bit. It is still hard to see the goal when the forrest of anger, frustration, and despair spring up to block the way. But I will make it through...I will...

Hope

As I attended my meetings today I found an message of inspiration that I badly needed. The sister that spoke today shared her experience of trying for several weeks to put together a talk that would be uplifting. She shared how her sister had called to ask for some advice and cheering up, but ended up helping her figure out her talk. In the end they had both been uplifted. During the talk she shared how her sister had received a tile with the saying "Abound in Hope", but because the script was so frilly, she thought that it had said, "Abandon Hope". When she figured it out, she had laughed and now when she sees the tile, she laughs about it.

What a powerful statement "We can Abandon Hope or, We Can Abound in Hope!". I know that in the challenges that I have been facing over the past few weeks that there were many times that I felt that I had abandoned hope. Those were low points. But as I look back over the lessons that I learned (and am still learning) I know that I have found a way to work towards "Abounding in Hope".

What a blessing it is to have a family, a good job, a nice home, and all the other blessings that my Savior has allowed me to have. It is my hope that we can all work to Abound in Hope, rather than Abandon Hope.

Keep the Faith...

There's A Right Way To Live And Be Happy...

I have to tell you that I am very proud of my daughter. She made a choice to follow her Savior and be baptized. She has been thinking about this day for many months as she patiently waited for her 8th birthday to roll-around.

I know that as she works to follow the commandments, be a good example, and follow the example of our Savior, she will be an even bigger blessing to those around her. I must say that my wife and I are very lucky to have such a wonderful daughter. I can only hope that the rest of my young family will one day make the same choice to follow their Savior when the time comes.

The Best Season of All

I can not believe that it has been 2 months since I have posted on this blog. I guess life has a way of catching up to you and then running you down. I think I finally got the tire marks off my forehead and can move forward with life.

I know that the Lord works in mysterious ways. I just went through a pretty tough ordeal in my life- applying for a job and not getting it. I am glad that I have the knowledge that I do about our Savior. I know that what happened was what is supposed to happen- just maybe not the why. And, I think that I can even live with that as well. In fact, it was  funny. After school was over, and I knew that I did not get the job, my oldest son walked into my classroom (he is in 5th grade) and looked at me. I told them that I didn't get the job. He walked over and put his arms around my waist. I was so touched that he would know what I needed right then (as my wife wasn't available to do it- and I really did need that!). He looked up at me and smiled a little and said, "Dad, I am sorry you didn't get the job...but I am so excited that you will get to be my teacher all day next year." It totally made me laugh and able to face the other meetings that I had to attend with a much lighter outlook. I think it is funny that he was trying so hard to be supportive of my choice to interview, but must have secretly been worried that I wouldn't get to be his teacher next year. I look forward to that now more than ever.

I am so thankful for all my babies. I can't believe that we are adding one last spirit to our home in May. We find out on December 27th if it will be a boy or a girl. I am SO praying for a little girl, but will be happy to just have a healthy- perfect baby. We have been getting a lot of teasing from people about needing a bus, etc. with all the kids. I guess those people don't understand that even though there is a lot of stress with many children (and some days you are VERY THANKFUL FOR BED TIME, nothing is sweeter than having my kids piled around me, or excited to see me walk through the front door. How wonderful!

I love this holiday season so much. I can't believe that it is nearly over AGAIN! Seven... only 7 more days until Christmas day. I have struggled more and more over the years to even feel the holiday spirit. This year seems just as empty, but I can grasp a glimpse every now and then as I watch my children get more and more excited. One thing that does help is that we have a wonderful tradition that we do every year. Each night we read a scripture and add a piece to a nativity set (this was a kit we received from an in-law). Then the kids unwrap one of our holiday pictures books (my wife wraps 24 of them each December- that way the kids don't know what book they are selecting AND they get to open a "gift", they love it!). I read the story and we talk about it. Some are spiritual, some are traditional. If makes for a great time. Then we move the mouse on our little calendar that I have had since I was in high school, and this year we added a new adventure. We bought a Lego's advent calendar. That has been a big hit. The kids rotate "jobs" each night. It has really been a lot of fun.

I am also looking forward to Christmas Eve this year as well. My brother and his wife have invited us over to their house (along with my parents, etc.) for a "Traditional Hughes Family Christmas". We will be making homemade pizza, driving around to look at lights, and opening Christmas Jammies along with other fun traditions and activities. That will be one to remember!

I hope that the reason for the season finds each and everyone of you...and you choose to embrace it!

Keep the Faith...